Science can be helpful when explaining human behavior. Anderson uses his research to excuse selfish human behavior.

A Silly Article

Today I read an article called Is Cheating a Rational Choice? by Eric Anderson, Ph.D.    Anderson is the author of the Monogamy Gap in which he undertakes 120 interviews to support his working hypothesis which is basically that people can be greedy and selfish.  But he does not exactly frame it like this.  Anderson believes that monogamy is a contrived social construct that is unrealistic and outdated.  He then interviews a string of “psychologists, biologist, anthropologists, and even endocrinologists” to support his original thesis which is “that monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to fulfill a lifetime of sexual desires.”

Anderson’s thesis falls apart however when applied to other human desires.  Leon Scott Baxter from Couples Committed to Love asks these pointed questions:  “Do you buy the dress just because it’s pretty? Do you eat four desserts just because you want them? Do you take from the tip jar, because you’d like more money? That’s what this argument is all about, taking what you want because you want it.”  We may want to do these things but we can’t justify them because of the negative effect they will have on us and those around us.  And this is why I call Anderson’s article silly.

Scientific Explanation vs. Scientific Excuse

A friend of mine recently sent me a book called Games Primates Play: An Undercover Investigation of the Evolution and Economics of Human Relationships.  It is written by primatologist Dario Maestripieri who gives fascinating explanations for why we humans do the things we do.  Maestripieri touches on everything from how we interact with superiors/inferiors via email to why we are uncomfortable being in elevators with strangers.

The primatologist does a fantastic job of showing us the origins of our behaviors and how closely related we still are to our primate ancestors.  What he does not do is use his findings to excuse selfish human behavior.  If two macaques are locked in a cage, chances are they will try to kill each other.  It would be irrational to surmise that because we inherit much of our behavior from these genetic cousins that humans are justified in killing each other when enclosed in an elevator.  But that is precisely what Anderson is doing with his book on monogamy.

When Mirrors Trump Science

The abuse of science and evolutionary biology is very fashionable right now.   The next time someone uses evolutionary biology to prove to you why you have selfish or destructive impulses, all you need to do is look into a mirror to confirm that while you may have descended from an ape, you no longer are one.

It is high time for us to embrace what we have evolved into.  As humans, we are capable of incredible discovery and achievement.  When we married our spouse we entered into the most important relationship we will ever have.  We have the capability of loving and evolving with our spouse for the rest of our lives.  And something that Dr. Anderson unfortunately has not yet discovered is that when we stay with the same person for the rest of our lives, we get to be intimate with a different person in each season of their life.  The person we marry is completely different than the person we know ten years down the road.  The key is to commit and to love and to evolve with them.

Related post:

Why Ashton Cheated on Demi

The Marriage Happiness Paradox!

Some of you have requested my booklet The Marriage Happiness Paradox:  How to find happiness in marriage without even looking for it.  If you are interested then email me at daniel[at]danielhope.org with your request.  I will send it to you and would love to have your feedback.

Wishing you evolutionary bliss!

-Daniel

The Power of Paradox

What is the difference between a contradiction and a paradox?  Both are confusing and can even be unsettling.  But paradox, while it may confuse us, brings us to a deeper understanding of the complexities of life.

I talk to people all the time who say that they are ready to commit but they are just waiting for that special someone.  When the right person comes along, that perfect person who fits all of the right criteria, then they will be ready to take the plunge and finally commit.  Unfortunately, that day may never come along, mainly because the perfect person does not exist.

But if the perfect person is never going to come along, then how are we supposed to find someone to whom we can commit, to trust and to spend the rest of our lives with?

Good question!  And here is where the paradox comes in.  People who are waiting for the perfect person to come along before they are ready to commit have it backward.  Let’s flip this model on its head.  First, you have to be ready to commit and then (and only then) can that person be manifested in your life.  Or possibly, only then will you realize that this special person is already in your life.

When the student is ready …

Maybe you have heard the saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.  That is exactly what is happening here.  When we ready ourselves for commitment; when we focus on being the kind of person who can trust and be trusted, then we will be ready for the adventure of commitment.

But how do I know this, you may ask.  I know this because that is exactly what I did and I have managed to hold onto my special someone for the last 17 years!  So trust me when I tell you that it works.

I typically have this conversation with people who are single and interested in being in a relationship, but this advice is just as relevant for those of us who are married.  Many people are holding back on their spouse with trust or generosity or any number of things.  They are holding out because they are waiting for something from their spouse.  Many couples are in a quid pro quo kind of deadlock.  If they give me this then I will give them that.  When we grip tightly onto our love then our hands are not open to receive the love that we desire.

Ultimately, we are the only people we can change.  If we want to be loved then we have to start loving and love is very much an action first and a feeling second.


Speaking of Paradox!

I have just created a booklet called The Marriage Happiness Paradox:  How to find happiness in marriage without even looking for it.  If you would like to be the first to have a look at this material then email me daniel[at]commitmentproject.org
I will send it to you and would love to have your feedback.

Go read Lydia Netzer’s 15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years

Here’s a little snippet:

5. Be proud and brag.

Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.